Just Another Crazy Love Story
After surviving a pleasantly dysfunctional home, frequent mental imprisonments, and a divorce from a man who made Trump seem like a catch, I went on the search to find my life partner.
My mode of meeting a new mate? Online dating, of course!
I wanted to find a companion, and what I found was a bucketful of entertaining personalities that caused me to pause and reflect on why these bizarre experiences kept happening. After about the fourth or fifth first date, I realized that this was great material for a romantic comedy novel.
My Muse got drunk one night, though, and decided that this should actually be a memoir, because why not make this as uncomfortable as humanly possible, right? It's time to delve into the reasons this part of my life has become both more tragic and funny than it has any right to be.
So, instead of a teasingly alluring romantic comedy, I'm digging up some delicious morsels of embarrassing past and current relationships to give birth to the antsy little love-child of my Muse and my Demons.
Using comedy and my favorite art form of language, I traverse through the labyrinth of my loud and often rebellious mind with lighthearted humor and a seriousness that could befit a Greek tragedy... or at least I hope it could. I sometimes have grandiose thoughts, which is probably what led to this monsterpiece. It took me a long time to realize that this part of life's design can be messy and ugly and ruthlessly humiliating, but it's well worth it when you can splash a little color in the dark corners of experience.
So, with high hopes and a good heart, I went on the search for love... Will my fears, frequently unstable mood, and cynical mindset allow a relationship to happen?
You'll have to read to found out.
My mode of meeting a new mate? Online dating, of course!
I wanted to find a companion, and what I found was a bucketful of entertaining personalities that caused me to pause and reflect on why these bizarre experiences kept happening. After about the fourth or fifth first date, I realized that this was great material for a romantic comedy novel.
My Muse got drunk one night, though, and decided that this should actually be a memoir, because why not make this as uncomfortable as humanly possible, right? It's time to delve into the reasons this part of my life has become both more tragic and funny than it has any right to be.
So, instead of a teasingly alluring romantic comedy, I'm digging up some delicious morsels of embarrassing past and current relationships to give birth to the antsy little love-child of my Muse and my Demons.
Using comedy and my favorite art form of language, I traverse through the labyrinth of my loud and often rebellious mind with lighthearted humor and a seriousness that could befit a Greek tragedy... or at least I hope it could. I sometimes have grandiose thoughts, which is probably what led to this monsterpiece. It took me a long time to realize that this part of life's design can be messy and ugly and ruthlessly humiliating, but it's well worth it when you can splash a little color in the dark corners of experience.
So, with high hopes and a good heart, I went on the search for love... Will my fears, frequently unstable mood, and cynical mindset allow a relationship to happen?
You'll have to read to found out.
Sample Chapter (10) - Epic Fails
My first online profile was activated just before Robin and I started our friendship in 2009. In fact, he was often the sounding board and the friend to whom I vented when it all went wrong. I had so little experience with real dating that it was difficult for me to weed out the posers in a dignified manner. Robin suggested I start by being absolutely clear in the profiles about what I really wanted.
I decided to use a quote by the author, Anais Nin, at the top of my profiles to sum it up for them:
“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
This quote denotes a certain kind of strength in a woman’s character: the kind that can be intimidating to some people. There are so many men who are either afraid of strong-willed women and lash out like spoiled children who are no longer allowed to breast feed, or they think it’s their duty to trap and tame her. I realize this is a gross over-generalization based on personal experience. I know of a few men who can and do handle strong women like kings, but they are few and far between.
At any rate, I’m cynical when it comes to men’s behavior, because these online bozos have not done the male species any favors, and it only continues to get worse. Below are the ridiculous virtual pick-up lines and conversations that never progressed to actual dates. Of course, these men aren’t the only people I heard from; they’re just the bona-fide twits that made me question my ability to not become a psychopath. Some of them were not just obnoxious and insulting, but unintelligent, too. I can handle some misspelled words or grammatical errors, but lacking a basic understanding of the English language makes me grimace.
At the very least, I hope these face-palm moments allow you to see why cynicism has crawled into the corners of my thinking. For the sake of authenticity, and against the urges of my OCD tendencies, I have kept their spelling and grammar intact. Italicized comments are my thoughts or explosive expletives, not what I actually said to them.
Him: Hey beautiful. Do you have soft sexy feet?
Me: Nope. Flippers.
Him: Damn, girl. I bet you’d look good in a low cut shirt and tight pants with those curves.
Me: Ha! Damn near choked on my muffin. My curves cannot be traversed.
Him: Wut up butiful.
Me: Dictionary… and spellcheck.
Him: Hey there pretty eyes. How are you?
Me: Okay, not bad. Hello. I’m well, thanks. You?
Him: Bored. Hey, my ‘rents are gone for the weekend. Wanna come over and play?
Me: Douche bag. I can’t. My mom says I have to be in when the street lights come on, and you’re dad is coming over tonight. Asshole.
Him: DON’T DO IT! YOU DON’T KNOW MY FATHER! YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE IS!
Me: Seriously? All right, you asked for it. I know him quite well, thanks. He does things to me. I like it. You could learn a few things from him, I’m sure.
Him: Yeah? Like what? Tell me.
Me: Holy shit. You’re an idiot.
Him: Sup, u pretty bitch.
Me: I don’t even know how to respond to that.
Him: Wut up wit u today?
Me: Absolutely not.
Him: Hello how are you doing? I wonder what keeps you humble? I would hope to have a great conversation with you. I am man born and raised in Denver, I am hoping that I can find a woman with a great personality mentally stable, good sense of humor and isn't into head games.
Me: Mentally stable? I am stably mental. That works. I can’t respond right now, though because it’s Christmas Eve and I have a boatload of shit to do, but what the hell, let’s take a look at the profile then.
Him, 5 minutes after the first message: Happy Holidays to you and your family thank you for viewing my profile I really do appreciate it I was hoping I'd have a chance to have a conversation with you
Me: Christ, give me a fucking minute. And for the love of everything holy, use your periods. Happy holidays to you, too. Busy time of year, so maybe we can talk some other time.
Him: Well thank you my plans for the holiday season I've already bought food and my family and I are going to have dinner.
Me: I don’t fucking care. What the hell? Is this a machine?
Him, early the next morning: Good morning how are you doing? Merry Christmas to you and your family. I am single with no children what do you like to cook?
Me: Wait… what? I’m usually random, but this one is out of my league. Did I have too much wine last night, or is he having a conversation with me by himself?
Him, 15 minutes after I check the message: What am I not good enough to talk to now?
Me: Ignoramus. Maybe you should ask the person who is actually talking to you.
Him: Hi! How are you today? I really enjoyed reading your profile. I too work 2 jobs and have a lot on my plate. I’m hoping to find someone to hang out with during free time and weekends.
Me: So far, so good. Hello. I’m well, thanks. How are you? Thanks for reading my profile. Yours is quite vague. Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Him: Well, like I said, I work 2 jobs and what else do you want to know? You can ask me anything. Anything at all. Don’t hold back.
Me: That usually translates into ‘please ask me about my penis.’ Why don’t you just start by filling in the blanks of your profile? About yourself - as in what do you like to do on your free time? Do you have hobbies? What kind of person do you think you are? What kind of person would your friends say you are?
Him: Oh well, I guess you could say I just like to hang out and relax. I work so hard that going crazy on my free time and trying to fill every waking moment seems exhausting. I do like to hike and be outdoors though. But like, I said, you can ask me anything.
Me: I just fucking did. I will slay this one if he doesn’t knock it off. So you’ve said, and because I’m not entirely sure what you are asking me to ask you, go ahead and throw something out there to give me an idea of what you want me to know. Ask me the type of questions you want me to ask you. Here we go.
Him: Okay, well be honest. Does penis size matter?
Me: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Oh well. I could use some entertainment. Yes, it does, but every woman is different and so long as she’s satisfied, size is negotiable.
Him: What do you mean ‘negotiable.’ What size is non-negotiable? What size would you personally say ‘nope, no way’?
Me: Oh my Gods. A clit would be nonnegotiable. Honestly, this is very entertaining, but highly inappropriate. I’m not sure what kind of shit you’ve been through to have to ask such things, but your lack of confidence and insecurity is a big turn off.
Him: Okie doke. So, what do you want to know about me.
Me: What the hell? I know plenty, and I don’t like it.
This guy sent me messages randomly over several months. I found it best just to ignore him because his messages were more about what I thought “negotiable” penis size would be and whether or not I would allow toys in the bedroom.
Him: I want to cook you dinner and kiss you all over.
Me: That’s your first line? Really?
Him: How’s your day? What are you wearing?
Me: Clothes. Go away.
Him: If we met, we’d need a chaperone.
Me: Like a prison guard?
Him: Your profile pictures got me hard. Wanna chat?
Me: Has that ever worked?
Him: All the time.
Me: Not this time.
Him: Hi. You’re really pretty and I really enjoyed your profile. I don’t have a job so I can’t take you out, but I’d like to get to know you better. I live in the basement at my parents house but it’s kinda like my own place. Wanna come over and play a video game with me?
Me: Why don’t you work?
Him: Because there’s really no reason to. I’m comfortable here.
Me: You’re 36 years old, no job, live at home and you want me to come and play a video game?
Him: Yeah, it would be fun. (He proceeds to tell me about some video game I’ve never heard of because I hate the damn things.)
Me: Uh, yeah… NO! Do us all a favor and get the hell off this site, get a job, move out of your parents’ house and grow the fuck up.
Him: I like weed and video games. I’m good too. Wanna come over?
Me: I like grapes.
Him: Down to have fun in a motel?
Me: Ew. Does that even work? Never mind, I'm sure it does or you wouldn’t be using it. In any case, move along. I’m not interested. This is the second time you’ve sent this message to me. I ignored you the first time, but clearly you don’t pay attention. You should be ashamed of yourself asking a woman that kind of question.
Him: Why?
Oi.
Homeboyzluv69 wants to meet a good gurl with intelagince.
Me: Shut up.
Mredwilbury writes “A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And no one can talk to a horse of course. That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed. Go right to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse. He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed. People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day But Mister Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And this one'll talk 'til his voice is hoarse. You never heard of a talking horse? Well listen to this. I am Mister Ed.”
Me: …the fuck?
Him: Pussy lover here.
Me: I will kill you. Oh for gods’ sake, grow up. I’m sure that never works.
Him: I am sure you like cock and sometimes it does lol
Him: Do you have any problems with a guy that has a foot fetish
Me: Do you have any problems with a woman that has a plastic fetish?
Him: No.
Me: Super.
Him: Hi baby… how are you?
Me: Who the fuck does this one think he is?
HardTounge says he thinks I’m real cute. That is not a typo in his screen name.
Syko79 says ‘sup laadiez.
Me: No. Just, no.
Cleve33 says “well, my mom thinks I’m a catch.”
Me: My mom would eat you alive.
Freekernut says “Mmmmmm.”
Me: Does rejection taste yummy? I’m an asshole, I know.
Him: Where you live, girl? Ill cum take care o u real gooood.
Me: What idiot made you ever believe it was okay to say something like that?!
Him: You’re mom.
Me: No, actually, I’m not.
Him: What the hell u talkin bout btch?
Me: I am not mom.
Deliciousjuicy is looking for a relationship, has some college, and whose job is listed as “life” (Hard Knocks?). About Deliciousjuicy says that he is Tall &sexi, has 2 kids, loves them both (Well, that’s good, at least you don’t despise one of them). He calls himself that “rude man” because he’d rather hurt your feelings than lie to you.
Goodman69 writes, “so, is you all that?”
Me: Ouch. My eyes.
Him: Hey beautiful
Me: Hello, how are you this cold winter night?
Him: Would be better if you helped keep me warm
Me: How is this okay? I don’t know what it is, but this annoys me. Omgs. Honestly. Not sure when you guys will realize that in order to capture a good, decent woman (which, by the way, seems to be what everyone is looking for and is stated on your profile), you have to actually say something less sleazy and something a bit more respectful. Another one bites the dust, but I always feel obligated to let you guys know that if you don’t want a drama scag, then perhaps you shouldn’t treat every woman as if she were one.
And spare me the "I didn’t mean anything dirty by it" spiel. Seriously... If you really are looking for a good woman with healthy values, as it states in your profile, find a better way to converse than using the first line to let her know how badly you want to touch her. Save that stuff for later.
Him: Wow......no you're way off. I never said anything sleazy at all. People cuddle and technically that wasn't an opening line. Hey beautiful was an opening line.....big difference. And I'm truly sorry if you've had a bad line of lame lovers but you don't need to take your past out on me because you only are constantly thinking of negative thoughts. If you're that depressed and negative maybe you should work on yourself before thinking everything is sexual. I was being nice but I guess you can't handle nice. But from what I see and what you have said I see why.
Oh, and by the way, this guy never bites the dust. I just might have too much of a positive personality for you.
Or in your case, it just might be the altitude, and it really has interrupted any positive thought that can be created by your brain.
Me: Seriously? I won’t dignify your blatant misconception of my personality with a defense. Talking about having me come cuddle you within the second line of a conversation is tasteless and disrespectful. Because I say it is and I am offended, you call me negative and depressed? That just goes to show that you are not at all a respectful man and are a chauvinist because you didn’t understand a word I said. Perception is everything and those sorts of comments are understood differently between men and women, so I only meant for you to see it from this side of the aisle.
Touchy-feely intimate comments are cute after you’ve gotten to know the person. Saying it before you know anything about them at all tells them something different than what you may be trying to convey...
Him: I didn't disrespect you one bit. Sorry if you felt that way. Dunno what to say to you because women are naturally crazy..... .that time of the month, the indecisive nature, the omg the world is disrespectful to women when in fact women have it way easier than men. And, in saying that wishy washy attitudes are in your nature. But it's ok I do see it from your side of the aisle......that's why guys a lot of the times do want a woman to just be quiet, don't speak.
Me: This fool is everything that’s wrong with the world. Well, you certainly seem to believe you are a catch and have it all figured out. I’m sure you’ll find a happy relationship with that distorted perspective. I wish you the best and good luck.
Him: Figured nothing out. Just sayin’ it like it is. Good luck kid.
Him: After reciting my profile back to me, he writes, You have no conception of true spirituality - you are a raving lunatic.
Me: Thanks! And blessings to you, too!
Him: Knock, Knock.
Me: Ha! This could be fun. His profile says he’s looking for a relationship and he says he’s ‘down to earth.’ We have a lot of hobbies in common too. Let’s see what kind of pickup line this leads to. Who’s there?
Him: Kenya
Me: Kenya who?
Him: Kenya come over here and suck on my cock?
Me: The fact that you have to resort to such tactics tells me that your cock wouldn’t be worth sucking, so no, I won’t. Furthermore, if you’d said this to me in person, I’d punch you in the face and then knee you in the spot your pathetic little dick should be located. Kindly go fuck yourself.
My favorites were the men who stated they were "looking for love" but have a picture of themselves wrapped around some gorgeous woman with a headline that read, "My good friend." Right. So, let me get this straight. You’re looking for love and a good woman, but you show yourself at bars wrapped around other women who look like hired companions? I think the women you will attract will be the competitors… “She’s pretty, but I bet I can take his attention away.”
There was a gentleman who asked me out, but said we should go Dutch until we see if we like each other. I looked through his profile and considered his “offer,” and it just wasn’t what I was looking for. I didn’t save the conversation, but it didn’t go well. I thanked him very politely and said I appreciated his interest, but Dutch really isn't my thing. He completely freaked out and called me all sorts of things like “gold diggin’ whore,” and said “If it’s all about money, you don’t deserve shit.” I decided not to respond to him and feed into his violent fury.
Sadly, he was not the first person to have a problem with me not wanting to pay for half or all of a date. I work and take care of myself, but I prefer to be courted and romanced. I wasn’t on there looking for a sugar daddy or to play the misguided “equality” game that people in our culture twist to their advantage. Dates don’t have to be expensive (the creative free ones are the best), and I would never judge anyone by where they take me. It’s the action and thought that matter. It’s the respect. To me, treating a woman on a date and proving your chivalry is more about giving her your affection, attention, and admiration more than it is about the money. Take me to a park for a nice walk and a picnic, or let’s go for a hike.
If that’s a “gold digger,” then I’m a fucking toaster.
I was irritated by Dutch’s name-calling and turbulent anger and was about to sign off, but for some reason I decided to just keep reading the messages. The next guy in the list of fantastic dreamy princes seemed several times more promising than that thermonuclear hobo. We started talking, and I asked him how old his kids were. The youngest was 5 months old. After he got divorced, he and his ex-wife weren't seeing anyone and got bored, so they decided to have a baby.
Yes, that was his actual response.
Shut it down.
I decided to use a quote by the author, Anais Nin, at the top of my profiles to sum it up for them:
“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
This quote denotes a certain kind of strength in a woman’s character: the kind that can be intimidating to some people. There are so many men who are either afraid of strong-willed women and lash out like spoiled children who are no longer allowed to breast feed, or they think it’s their duty to trap and tame her. I realize this is a gross over-generalization based on personal experience. I know of a few men who can and do handle strong women like kings, but they are few and far between.
At any rate, I’m cynical when it comes to men’s behavior, because these online bozos have not done the male species any favors, and it only continues to get worse. Below are the ridiculous virtual pick-up lines and conversations that never progressed to actual dates. Of course, these men aren’t the only people I heard from; they’re just the bona-fide twits that made me question my ability to not become a psychopath. Some of them were not just obnoxious and insulting, but unintelligent, too. I can handle some misspelled words or grammatical errors, but lacking a basic understanding of the English language makes me grimace.
At the very least, I hope these face-palm moments allow you to see why cynicism has crawled into the corners of my thinking. For the sake of authenticity, and against the urges of my OCD tendencies, I have kept their spelling and grammar intact. Italicized comments are my thoughts or explosive expletives, not what I actually said to them.
Him: Hey beautiful. Do you have soft sexy feet?
Me: Nope. Flippers.
Him: Damn, girl. I bet you’d look good in a low cut shirt and tight pants with those curves.
Me: Ha! Damn near choked on my muffin. My curves cannot be traversed.
Him: Wut up butiful.
Me: Dictionary… and spellcheck.
Him: Hey there pretty eyes. How are you?
Me: Okay, not bad. Hello. I’m well, thanks. You?
Him: Bored. Hey, my ‘rents are gone for the weekend. Wanna come over and play?
Me: Douche bag. I can’t. My mom says I have to be in when the street lights come on, and you’re dad is coming over tonight. Asshole.
Him: DON’T DO IT! YOU DON’T KNOW MY FATHER! YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE IS!
Me: Seriously? All right, you asked for it. I know him quite well, thanks. He does things to me. I like it. You could learn a few things from him, I’m sure.
Him: Yeah? Like what? Tell me.
Me: Holy shit. You’re an idiot.
Him: Sup, u pretty bitch.
Me: I don’t even know how to respond to that.
Him: Wut up wit u today?
Me: Absolutely not.
Him: Hello how are you doing? I wonder what keeps you humble? I would hope to have a great conversation with you. I am man born and raised in Denver, I am hoping that I can find a woman with a great personality mentally stable, good sense of humor and isn't into head games.
Me: Mentally stable? I am stably mental. That works. I can’t respond right now, though because it’s Christmas Eve and I have a boatload of shit to do, but what the hell, let’s take a look at the profile then.
Him, 5 minutes after the first message: Happy Holidays to you and your family thank you for viewing my profile I really do appreciate it I was hoping I'd have a chance to have a conversation with you
Me: Christ, give me a fucking minute. And for the love of everything holy, use your periods. Happy holidays to you, too. Busy time of year, so maybe we can talk some other time.
Him: Well thank you my plans for the holiday season I've already bought food and my family and I are going to have dinner.
Me: I don’t fucking care. What the hell? Is this a machine?
Him, early the next morning: Good morning how are you doing? Merry Christmas to you and your family. I am single with no children what do you like to cook?
Me: Wait… what? I’m usually random, but this one is out of my league. Did I have too much wine last night, or is he having a conversation with me by himself?
Him, 15 minutes after I check the message: What am I not good enough to talk to now?
Me: Ignoramus. Maybe you should ask the person who is actually talking to you.
Him: Hi! How are you today? I really enjoyed reading your profile. I too work 2 jobs and have a lot on my plate. I’m hoping to find someone to hang out with during free time and weekends.
Me: So far, so good. Hello. I’m well, thanks. How are you? Thanks for reading my profile. Yours is quite vague. Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Him: Well, like I said, I work 2 jobs and what else do you want to know? You can ask me anything. Anything at all. Don’t hold back.
Me: That usually translates into ‘please ask me about my penis.’ Why don’t you just start by filling in the blanks of your profile? About yourself - as in what do you like to do on your free time? Do you have hobbies? What kind of person do you think you are? What kind of person would your friends say you are?
Him: Oh well, I guess you could say I just like to hang out and relax. I work so hard that going crazy on my free time and trying to fill every waking moment seems exhausting. I do like to hike and be outdoors though. But like, I said, you can ask me anything.
Me: I just fucking did. I will slay this one if he doesn’t knock it off. So you’ve said, and because I’m not entirely sure what you are asking me to ask you, go ahead and throw something out there to give me an idea of what you want me to know. Ask me the type of questions you want me to ask you. Here we go.
Him: Okay, well be honest. Does penis size matter?
Me: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Oh well. I could use some entertainment. Yes, it does, but every woman is different and so long as she’s satisfied, size is negotiable.
Him: What do you mean ‘negotiable.’ What size is non-negotiable? What size would you personally say ‘nope, no way’?
Me: Oh my Gods. A clit would be nonnegotiable. Honestly, this is very entertaining, but highly inappropriate. I’m not sure what kind of shit you’ve been through to have to ask such things, but your lack of confidence and insecurity is a big turn off.
Him: Okie doke. So, what do you want to know about me.
Me: What the hell? I know plenty, and I don’t like it.
This guy sent me messages randomly over several months. I found it best just to ignore him because his messages were more about what I thought “negotiable” penis size would be and whether or not I would allow toys in the bedroom.
Him: I want to cook you dinner and kiss you all over.
Me: That’s your first line? Really?
Him: How’s your day? What are you wearing?
Me: Clothes. Go away.
Him: If we met, we’d need a chaperone.
Me: Like a prison guard?
Him: Your profile pictures got me hard. Wanna chat?
Me: Has that ever worked?
Him: All the time.
Me: Not this time.
Him: Hi. You’re really pretty and I really enjoyed your profile. I don’t have a job so I can’t take you out, but I’d like to get to know you better. I live in the basement at my parents house but it’s kinda like my own place. Wanna come over and play a video game with me?
Me: Why don’t you work?
Him: Because there’s really no reason to. I’m comfortable here.
Me: You’re 36 years old, no job, live at home and you want me to come and play a video game?
Him: Yeah, it would be fun. (He proceeds to tell me about some video game I’ve never heard of because I hate the damn things.)
Me: Uh, yeah… NO! Do us all a favor and get the hell off this site, get a job, move out of your parents’ house and grow the fuck up.
Him: I like weed and video games. I’m good too. Wanna come over?
Me: I like grapes.
Him: Down to have fun in a motel?
Me: Ew. Does that even work? Never mind, I'm sure it does or you wouldn’t be using it. In any case, move along. I’m not interested. This is the second time you’ve sent this message to me. I ignored you the first time, but clearly you don’t pay attention. You should be ashamed of yourself asking a woman that kind of question.
Him: Why?
Oi.
Homeboyzluv69 wants to meet a good gurl with intelagince.
Me: Shut up.
Mredwilbury writes “A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And no one can talk to a horse of course. That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed. Go right to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse. He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed. People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day But Mister Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And this one'll talk 'til his voice is hoarse. You never heard of a talking horse? Well listen to this. I am Mister Ed.”
Me: …the fuck?
Him: Pussy lover here.
Me: I will kill you. Oh for gods’ sake, grow up. I’m sure that never works.
Him: I am sure you like cock and sometimes it does lol
Him: Do you have any problems with a guy that has a foot fetish
Me: Do you have any problems with a woman that has a plastic fetish?
Him: No.
Me: Super.
Him: Hi baby… how are you?
Me: Who the fuck does this one think he is?
HardTounge says he thinks I’m real cute. That is not a typo in his screen name.
Syko79 says ‘sup laadiez.
Me: No. Just, no.
Cleve33 says “well, my mom thinks I’m a catch.”
Me: My mom would eat you alive.
Freekernut says “Mmmmmm.”
Me: Does rejection taste yummy? I’m an asshole, I know.
Him: Where you live, girl? Ill cum take care o u real gooood.
Me: What idiot made you ever believe it was okay to say something like that?!
Him: You’re mom.
Me: No, actually, I’m not.
Him: What the hell u talkin bout btch?
Me: I am not mom.
Deliciousjuicy is looking for a relationship, has some college, and whose job is listed as “life” (Hard Knocks?). About Deliciousjuicy says that he is Tall &sexi, has 2 kids, loves them both (Well, that’s good, at least you don’t despise one of them). He calls himself that “rude man” because he’d rather hurt your feelings than lie to you.
Goodman69 writes, “so, is you all that?”
Me: Ouch. My eyes.
Him: Hey beautiful
Me: Hello, how are you this cold winter night?
Him: Would be better if you helped keep me warm
Me: How is this okay? I don’t know what it is, but this annoys me. Omgs. Honestly. Not sure when you guys will realize that in order to capture a good, decent woman (which, by the way, seems to be what everyone is looking for and is stated on your profile), you have to actually say something less sleazy and something a bit more respectful. Another one bites the dust, but I always feel obligated to let you guys know that if you don’t want a drama scag, then perhaps you shouldn’t treat every woman as if she were one.
And spare me the "I didn’t mean anything dirty by it" spiel. Seriously... If you really are looking for a good woman with healthy values, as it states in your profile, find a better way to converse than using the first line to let her know how badly you want to touch her. Save that stuff for later.
Him: Wow......no you're way off. I never said anything sleazy at all. People cuddle and technically that wasn't an opening line. Hey beautiful was an opening line.....big difference. And I'm truly sorry if you've had a bad line of lame lovers but you don't need to take your past out on me because you only are constantly thinking of negative thoughts. If you're that depressed and negative maybe you should work on yourself before thinking everything is sexual. I was being nice but I guess you can't handle nice. But from what I see and what you have said I see why.
Oh, and by the way, this guy never bites the dust. I just might have too much of a positive personality for you.
Or in your case, it just might be the altitude, and it really has interrupted any positive thought that can be created by your brain.
Me: Seriously? I won’t dignify your blatant misconception of my personality with a defense. Talking about having me come cuddle you within the second line of a conversation is tasteless and disrespectful. Because I say it is and I am offended, you call me negative and depressed? That just goes to show that you are not at all a respectful man and are a chauvinist because you didn’t understand a word I said. Perception is everything and those sorts of comments are understood differently between men and women, so I only meant for you to see it from this side of the aisle.
Touchy-feely intimate comments are cute after you’ve gotten to know the person. Saying it before you know anything about them at all tells them something different than what you may be trying to convey...
Him: I didn't disrespect you one bit. Sorry if you felt that way. Dunno what to say to you because women are naturally crazy..... .that time of the month, the indecisive nature, the omg the world is disrespectful to women when in fact women have it way easier than men. And, in saying that wishy washy attitudes are in your nature. But it's ok I do see it from your side of the aisle......that's why guys a lot of the times do want a woman to just be quiet, don't speak.
Me: This fool is everything that’s wrong with the world. Well, you certainly seem to believe you are a catch and have it all figured out. I’m sure you’ll find a happy relationship with that distorted perspective. I wish you the best and good luck.
Him: Figured nothing out. Just sayin’ it like it is. Good luck kid.
Him: After reciting my profile back to me, he writes, You have no conception of true spirituality - you are a raving lunatic.
Me: Thanks! And blessings to you, too!
Him: Knock, Knock.
Me: Ha! This could be fun. His profile says he’s looking for a relationship and he says he’s ‘down to earth.’ We have a lot of hobbies in common too. Let’s see what kind of pickup line this leads to. Who’s there?
Him: Kenya
Me: Kenya who?
Him: Kenya come over here and suck on my cock?
Me: The fact that you have to resort to such tactics tells me that your cock wouldn’t be worth sucking, so no, I won’t. Furthermore, if you’d said this to me in person, I’d punch you in the face and then knee you in the spot your pathetic little dick should be located. Kindly go fuck yourself.
My favorites were the men who stated they were "looking for love" but have a picture of themselves wrapped around some gorgeous woman with a headline that read, "My good friend." Right. So, let me get this straight. You’re looking for love and a good woman, but you show yourself at bars wrapped around other women who look like hired companions? I think the women you will attract will be the competitors… “She’s pretty, but I bet I can take his attention away.”
There was a gentleman who asked me out, but said we should go Dutch until we see if we like each other. I looked through his profile and considered his “offer,” and it just wasn’t what I was looking for. I didn’t save the conversation, but it didn’t go well. I thanked him very politely and said I appreciated his interest, but Dutch really isn't my thing. He completely freaked out and called me all sorts of things like “gold diggin’ whore,” and said “If it’s all about money, you don’t deserve shit.” I decided not to respond to him and feed into his violent fury.
Sadly, he was not the first person to have a problem with me not wanting to pay for half or all of a date. I work and take care of myself, but I prefer to be courted and romanced. I wasn’t on there looking for a sugar daddy or to play the misguided “equality” game that people in our culture twist to their advantage. Dates don’t have to be expensive (the creative free ones are the best), and I would never judge anyone by where they take me. It’s the action and thought that matter. It’s the respect. To me, treating a woman on a date and proving your chivalry is more about giving her your affection, attention, and admiration more than it is about the money. Take me to a park for a nice walk and a picnic, or let’s go for a hike.
If that’s a “gold digger,” then I’m a fucking toaster.
I was irritated by Dutch’s name-calling and turbulent anger and was about to sign off, but for some reason I decided to just keep reading the messages. The next guy in the list of fantastic dreamy princes seemed several times more promising than that thermonuclear hobo. We started talking, and I asked him how old his kids were. The youngest was 5 months old. After he got divorced, he and his ex-wife weren't seeing anyone and got bored, so they decided to have a baby.
Yes, that was his actual response.
Shut it down.
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